The green monster that is jealousy...

Disney's "The Little Mermaid"

I have a great life, it's not perfect.  Joe and I have had our share of problems: financially, emotional, illness, children (we all know that having kids is an umbrella of great joy and hair-pulling problems).  In the fifteen years Joe and I have been together we've had jobs and lost jobs.  Joe has been the main bread winner at times, then I have, then back to Joe...we have flip-flopped a few times.  I'm very fortunate to have a nice home that Joe and I worked hard together to make it our own.  Our daughters are healthy, responsible beautiful souls.  But like Ariel in Disney's "The Little Mermaid" I want more.....

I look at what other people and compare what I have versus what they have.  I find myself measuring myself up to other people to determine my own self worth;

Oh the Jones' have new furniture so my slip covered hand-me-downs are inadequate....I'm such a loser.
Oh the Millers just bought a new fifth wheel and we still have our pop-up camper...we are losers
The Smiths have a brand new mini-van and ours is a 2005 with over a 100,000 miles....epic losers

Or it goes this way
Hmm their pop-up doesn't have air conditioning...Winning!
Oh look at the rusted out van they are driving!  Ours is better.  Winners!
Their furniture doesn't even match!  Supreme winners!!

But, seriously why does it matter?? We don't know the situation of each person.  Maybe with all of the great stuff they have, there is also massive credit card debt and loan payments. Maybe the rusted out van is paid off and like us they are driving their paid off vehicle until it dies. This comparing myself to other people is one of the most unhealthy thing I have discovered I do to myself.

Jealousy is an evil, evil monster. I did a little Google research on jealousy and envy and here is the simplest verse I found:

"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice" James 3:16

 Basically we need to be thankful for what we have or we will be miserable. If you spend the majority of your time comparing what you have to what other's have you aren't really living your life, you are too busy being jealous or feeling superior to others. In my struggle with social anxiety and depression I have what I call "battles with myself"  I lay in bed, trying to fall asleep and beat myself up in my mind.  One side of my brain is saying
 "nice jeans you were wearing today, too bad they were too tight and everyone could see your mom-roll and Sally looked amazing in her jeans"
Other side "seriously? Who cares!  Sally is 23 and hasn't had two kids.  You are 35 and look good for your age, give yourself a break!"

Most of you know that I read a devotional (or a couple) each day.  In Joyce Meyer's "Trusting God Day by Day" she talks about being happy for other people.  We all have that friend, when you share amazing news or a great story they respond not with joy but negativity.  I shared my story of Joyce The Woman God Sent to Me to one of my friends and she responded;

"Geez I wish someone would do something like that for me"

 I was thrown aback a bit and couldn't believe that my friend wasn't thrilled with my blessing.  "These responses indicate a spirit of jealousy or some deep-seated feeling that she believes she is not getting what she deserves in life" (Meyer, 2012 p 430). Joyce goes onto say that an attitude like that makes me not want to share the blessings in my life because of fear of more negativity.  No one likes someone to rain on their parade.  But honestly, the person with the negativity needs us to share our blessings the most.  As hard as it is to hear their negative responses it is our job to help them find the blessings in their life.

What kind of difficulty have you had with jealousy?  Do you have that one person filled with negativity?

Blessings
Katie

References
Meyer, Joyce (2012), "Trusting God Day by Day" Published by FaithWords Hachette Book Group, New York, NY

Saying the hardest word possible.....No

"Mom can I go an jump on your bed?"  No.
"Mom! Look at Tina's jeans! I want some of those $100.00 jeans". Ummm yeah...No.
"Mom!  Allie is bothering me and she keeps copying me!!  I want my own room!!"  NO!!

Saying no to your children is almost a reflex.  Sometimes I tend to say "no" before I've really through what it is my kids are asking for.
 "Hey Mom?  Can I have a-"
"No"
"..sandwich, for.... lunch?"
"Oh, well, I guess if you feel like you have to eat"  Because you know when you change your mind you have to make yourself still look cool and in charge. On a side note, when did my name turn into 'Hey Mom'?  First it was 'Mama', then 'Mommy', then 'Mom' now it's 'Hey Mom" I don't get it. Anyhow, I digress.

However, the answer changes when someone else asks me to do something.  It doesn't matter if I loathe the person or the task I''m being asked to do.  I say yes.

Here is the question: "Katie.  I was wondering if you bake 3 dozen cookies for the class bake sale by tomorrow.."
Here is my actual response "Sure I don't have anything going tonight so I'll whip something up!"
What I actually wanted to or should have said "Honestly I can't I have Anna's big science project I need to help her with and I have to be up at 5:00 AM tomorrow morning.  I would be happy to send some zip lock baggies through.  Keep me in mind for next time."

That entire "what I should have said" monologue can be broken down do one word.  "NO"

Why is it so difficult to say?  Why doesn't the idea of letting someone down make me so anxious and crazy? Why does the thought of disappointing someone make me insane?  However when I make these commitments and overwhelm myself my family ends up being the ones who suffer.  Oh yeah and me.  When I am rushing to get something down I feel myself panicing, I feel it in my chest that heaviness almost sayiing "you're not going to make it"

It's adrenaline, a product of stress, and your body's fight or flight defense.  So when I do complete the task I get this rush of "AAAAAAAle-lu-ia, Al-le-lu-ia, Al-le-luuuuuu-ia!! I'm awesome!"  So maybe I am adicted to being an overachiever...hmmmm good topic talk amoungst yourselves.

Through speaking to a counsuler, and to Joe as well as building up my confidence level again.  I have begun to gradual say "no".  I would have never thought telling someone "no".  On Halloween, Joe was attending class in Cedar Rapids, so I was handling the girls on my own.  They are older so it isn't like it was a HUGE deal.  But I had told the girls they could trick or treat, I also told my parents we would come over so they could see the girls in their costumes and then I was going to meet our friends from the Parkersburg Fire Department for dinner.  As my day played out I realized something wasn't going to work out, I didn't have enough time in my evening to get and go everywhere.  So, I determined that going to my parent's house just wasn't going to work out, but the idea of telling my mom had me at near panic attack levels but I knew it just wasn't going to work out.  (I know I sound insane but stay with me here)  So I called my mom and gently broke the news that we weren't going to make it over that night.  My mom sigh in relief and said,
 "Oh good!  I didn't know how I was going to get treat bags ready for them and then dinner ready because I got to work late and I hadn't gotten Halloween candy"   Say what?!  My mom wasn't angry with me?  My mom wasn't going to sick my dad on me about upsetting my mother.  My Grandma Kleiner, God rest her soul, would have been ticked off if we didn't make it for Halloween.  When did my mom become so laid back and understanding????  Always.  I sat down and really thought about my mom and the number of times she has freaked out on me when I couldn't do something and I could't think of a single instance.  So all of this stress was in my head. So maybe....other people wouldn't freak out of me either.

So at church I was asked if the girls were going to be involved in the Christmas Eve children's service which was going on at the same time as my parent's Christmas Eve family celebration. I was considering we could leave Mom and Dad's so the girls could be in church and then drive back or the whole family could come.....No.  "No.  I'm sorry we are going to be at my mom and dad's to celebrate Christmas."

I did it!  And the person I said no to doesn't hate me or think I'm a terrible person for not doing the Christmas program.

It is still hard to say "no" and not overwhelm myself.  But our pastor said in church one Sunday, that if you are not able to commit your best then you are automatically doing your worst.  Great food for thought.

Do you have trouble saying no?