"Mom can I go an jump on your bed?" No.
"Mom! Look at Tina's jeans! I want some of those $100.00 jeans". Ummm yeah...No.
"Mom! Allie is bothering me and she keeps copying me!! I want my own room!!" NO!!
Saying no to your children is almost a reflex. Sometimes I tend to say "no" before I've really through what it is my kids are asking for.
"Hey Mom? Can I have a-"
"No"
"..sandwich, for.... lunch?"
"Oh, well, I guess if you feel like you have to eat" Because you know when you change your mind you have to make yourself still look cool and in charge. On a side note, when did my name turn into 'Hey Mom'? First it was 'Mama', then 'Mommy', then 'Mom' now it's 'Hey Mom" I don't get it. Anyhow, I digress.
However, the answer changes when someone else asks me to do something. It doesn't matter if I loathe the person or the task I''m being asked to do. I say yes.
Here is the question: "Katie. I was wondering if you bake 3 dozen cookies for the class bake sale by tomorrow.."
Here is my actual response "Sure I don't have anything going tonight so I'll whip something up!"
What I actually wanted to or should have said "Honestly I can't I have Anna's big science project I need to help her with and I have to be up at 5:00 AM tomorrow morning. I would be happy to send some zip lock baggies through. Keep me in mind for next time."
That entire "what I should have said" monologue can be broken down do one word. "NO"
Why is it so difficult to say? Why doesn't the idea of letting someone down make me so anxious and crazy? Why does the thought of disappointing someone make me insane? However when I make these commitments and overwhelm myself my family ends up being the ones who suffer. Oh yeah and me. When I am rushing to get something down I feel myself panicing, I feel it in my chest that heaviness almost sayiing "you're not going to make it"
It's adrenaline, a product of stress, and your body's fight or flight defense. So when I do complete the task I get this rush of "AAAAAAAle-lu-ia, Al-le-lu-ia, Al-le-luuuuuu-ia!! I'm awesome!" So maybe I am adicted to being an overachiever...hmmmm good topic talk amoungst yourselves.
Through speaking to a counsuler, and to Joe as well as building up my confidence level again. I have begun to gradual say "no". I would have never thought telling someone "no". On Halloween, Joe was attending class in Cedar Rapids, so I was handling the girls on my own. They are older so it isn't like it was a HUGE deal. But I had told the girls they could trick or treat, I also told my parents we would come over so they could see the girls in their costumes and then I was going to meet our friends from the Parkersburg Fire Department for dinner. As my day played out I realized something wasn't going to work out, I didn't have enough time in my evening to get and go everywhere. So, I determined that going to my parent's house just wasn't going to work out, but the idea of telling my mom had me at near panic attack levels but I knew it just wasn't going to work out. (I know I sound insane but stay with me here) So I called my mom and gently broke the news that we weren't going to make it over that night. My mom sigh in relief and said,
"Oh good! I didn't know how I was going to get treat bags ready for them and then dinner ready because I got to work late and I hadn't gotten Halloween candy" Say what?! My mom wasn't angry with me? My mom wasn't going to sick my dad on me about upsetting my mother. My Grandma Kleiner, God rest her soul, would have been ticked off if we didn't make it for Halloween. When did my mom become so laid back and understanding???? Always. I sat down and really thought about my mom and the number of times she has freaked out on me when I couldn't do something and I could't think of a single instance. So all of this stress was in my head. So maybe....other people wouldn't freak out of me either.
So at church I was asked if the girls were going to be involved in the Christmas Eve children's service which was going on at the same time as my parent's Christmas Eve family celebration. I was considering we could leave Mom and Dad's so the girls could be in church and then drive back or the whole family could come.....No. "No. I'm sorry we are going to be at my mom and dad's to celebrate Christmas."
I did it! And the person I said no to doesn't hate me or think I'm a terrible person for not doing the Christmas program.
It is still hard to say "no" and not overwhelm myself. But our pastor said in church one Sunday, that if you are not able to commit your best then you are automatically doing your worst. Great food for thought.
Do you have trouble saying no?
"Mom! Look at Tina's jeans! I want some of those $100.00 jeans". Ummm yeah...No.
"Mom! Allie is bothering me and she keeps copying me!! I want my own room!!" NO!!
Saying no to your children is almost a reflex. Sometimes I tend to say "no" before I've really through what it is my kids are asking for.
"Hey Mom? Can I have a-"
"No"
"..sandwich, for.... lunch?"
"Oh, well, I guess if you feel like you have to eat" Because you know when you change your mind you have to make yourself still look cool and in charge. On a side note, when did my name turn into 'Hey Mom'? First it was 'Mama', then 'Mommy', then 'Mom' now it's 'Hey Mom" I don't get it. Anyhow, I digress.
However, the answer changes when someone else asks me to do something. It doesn't matter if I loathe the person or the task I''m being asked to do. I say yes.
Here is the question: "Katie. I was wondering if you bake 3 dozen cookies for the class bake sale by tomorrow.."
Here is my actual response "Sure I don't have anything going tonight so I'll whip something up!"
What I actually wanted to or should have said "Honestly I can't I have Anna's big science project I need to help her with and I have to be up at 5:00 AM tomorrow morning. I would be happy to send some zip lock baggies through. Keep me in mind for next time."
That entire "what I should have said" monologue can be broken down do one word. "NO"
Why is it so difficult to say? Why doesn't the idea of letting someone down make me so anxious and crazy? Why does the thought of disappointing someone make me insane? However when I make these commitments and overwhelm myself my family ends up being the ones who suffer. Oh yeah and me. When I am rushing to get something down I feel myself panicing, I feel it in my chest that heaviness almost sayiing "you're not going to make it"
It's adrenaline, a product of stress, and your body's fight or flight defense. So when I do complete the task I get this rush of "AAAAAAAle-lu-ia, Al-le-lu-ia, Al-le-luuuuuu-ia!! I'm awesome!" So maybe I am adicted to being an overachiever...hmmmm good topic talk amoungst yourselves.
Through speaking to a counsuler, and to Joe as well as building up my confidence level again. I have begun to gradual say "no". I would have never thought telling someone "no". On Halloween, Joe was attending class in Cedar Rapids, so I was handling the girls on my own. They are older so it isn't like it was a HUGE deal. But I had told the girls they could trick or treat, I also told my parents we would come over so they could see the girls in their costumes and then I was going to meet our friends from the Parkersburg Fire Department for dinner. As my day played out I realized something wasn't going to work out, I didn't have enough time in my evening to get and go everywhere. So, I determined that going to my parent's house just wasn't going to work out, but the idea of telling my mom had me at near panic attack levels but I knew it just wasn't going to work out. (I know I sound insane but stay with me here) So I called my mom and gently broke the news that we weren't going to make it over that night. My mom sigh in relief and said,
"Oh good! I didn't know how I was going to get treat bags ready for them and then dinner ready because I got to work late and I hadn't gotten Halloween candy" Say what?! My mom wasn't angry with me? My mom wasn't going to sick my dad on me about upsetting my mother. My Grandma Kleiner, God rest her soul, would have been ticked off if we didn't make it for Halloween. When did my mom become so laid back and understanding???? Always. I sat down and really thought about my mom and the number of times she has freaked out on me when I couldn't do something and I could't think of a single instance. So all of this stress was in my head. So maybe....other people wouldn't freak out of me either.
So at church I was asked if the girls were going to be involved in the Christmas Eve children's service which was going on at the same time as my parent's Christmas Eve family celebration. I was considering we could leave Mom and Dad's so the girls could be in church and then drive back or the whole family could come.....No. "No. I'm sorry we are going to be at my mom and dad's to celebrate Christmas."
I did it! And the person I said no to doesn't hate me or think I'm a terrible person for not doing the Christmas program.
It is still hard to say "no" and not overwhelm myself. But our pastor said in church one Sunday, that if you are not able to commit your best then you are automatically doing your worst. Great food for thought.
Do you have trouble saying no?
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