A time to be calm and a time to freak out...mommy style

I am going to warn you right now, this is not my normal sunshine and roses post...HA! Who are we kidding, I'm never a sunshine and roses kind of girl. What I want to tell you guys about today is the "mommy freak out".  I pride myself on being a mom with a good balance between the spanking discipline and month long groundings I received as a child and the soft and fluffy "time outs" and the "don't spank your children because it encourages violence" style of parenting.  Neither of those methods were what Joe and I decided for our children, we chose to do timeouts, a lot of minor corrections so the big things would take care of themselves, mild spanking for the major infractions and the occational "mommy freak out".  Yes I said a "mommy freak out"  it's that moment as a mother that you have tried all of the tools in your belt.  To get your children to stop fighting, or to stop messing with the cat and to pick up the hangers up off the floor but you feel like crazy guy walking down the sidewalk talking to himself.  So. You. Lose. It. Words fly out of your mouth at a volume reserved for rock concerts and football games. Language is used that would make a trucker blush, you are having an out of body experience.  During the "mommy freak out" is when the children finally stop fighting and finally pay attention to what you are saying.  Except for this time they have a look of horror and fear on their face that rivals the actresses in Nightmare on Elm Street.  Then comes the tears and the hyperventilating sobs that come as a result of your freak out. But they have finally listened and you....feel like crap.

The last two weeks I have especially noticed my daughter's fighting.  Not ninja style fighting, just nit-picking at each other and arguing.  It is incredibly annoying. I have let them have it out to try to solve it on their own, I have intervened, I have made them sit in a chair and hug each other just so I could get some peace and quiet.  I mean, I do daycare for a living and my kiddos don't make me as nuts as my girls do.

On top of the arguing, we have had the talking back.  I have also prided myself on having open communication with my daughters to explain things to them and let them talk with about anything they want to.  However, they like to take that open communication to the next level and try to do it while they are getting in trouble.  Here's what I mean, I will color code it for you so you can see what DEFCON level we are talking.

"Allie I need you to pick up your back pack and put your shoes away please"
"Ok just sec" Was the yelled reply.  I wait a few minutes
"Allie, I still need you to pick up your back pack and put your shoes away"
"I know" mmmmm hmmm you know...I wait a few more minutes as I continue to clean
"Alivia Claire, shoes. Back pack" I'm starting to get pretty annoyed, I busted out the full name.
"UUUUUGGGGGH.  I was playing a game!!"
"I understand that, but I need these shoes picked up before the puppy gets into them"
"What about Anna!  She's just sitting there, I have to do everything"
"Allie don't worry about Anna, since you are arguing with me you can go and scoop the cat boxes by yourself"  See this conversation is still in yellow, I am not angry, but I am definitely using my serious voice.
"WHAT?!?! That's not fair!!  I have to do everything!!!" Cue the stomp down the hallway groaning.
"Allie come back here"  Notice Allie went straight to DEFCON1 and I took it back a notch.
Cue the stomping back down the hallway. "What!"
"I need you not stomp through my house like that and stop with the groaning or you will pull a consequence"
"Fine!"
"Please go and put the shoes away and then scoop the cat boxes"
Cue the dramatic throwing of the arms and head back and crescendo of groaning while stomping through the house.
"Allie pull a consequence"  (I'll tell you about that in a second) Notice I am even calmer now, this is called the "calm before the freak out"
"WHAT!!!!?????  BWAAAAAAAAAH! AHHHH" Allie has lost it.
And then so do I....I explained it in theory at the beginning, so we don't need to rehash it.

Kind of like this....

I Don't have a "Mommy Freak out" very often, I was sick last week so I think that made me a little quicker to blow.  Afterwards, with the tears from Allie and the guilt from me I felt terrible.  But then something happened.  After everyone had calmed down Allie came to me
"I'm sorry Mama.  I just get so worked up sometimes"
"I'm sorry too baby.  You and your sister have been arguing so much and not listening that I think I finally had enough" I said.
"Daddy said I don't get my Kindle for awhile"  Allie says, thank heavens for a tag team from Joe
"Yes, I heard I think that is for the best"
"Me too.  I love you Mama"  Allie gives me the biggest hug.

This went down Tuesday and today is Sunday.  I haven't had any freak out issues with Allie.  Now the girls are still arguing but they are quicker to respond when Joe or I tell them to cut it out.  We can't be perfect mothers all the time, time outs aren't always the answer and good mothers realize that.  But our guilt over what the "experts" tell us to do and our not measuring up makes us beat ourselves up when we have a "mommy freak out".  Sometimes we have to have a reset button.

When Kim Kardashian was on Ellen on Friday I wanted to go through the screen and....never mind.  She went on and on about how great a mother is and how Kanye doesn't change diapers but she does and just loves that time with her baby.  Now, hearing that knowing how busy Kim is makes me look like an awful mom and child care provider when I dread what is in that diaper and gag when it is a nasty.   We have to learn to not compare ourselves to other moms and especially not celebrities.  Normally moms share the good stuff, we don't like to share our dirty little secrets so others don't think bad of you.

Admit your downfalls as a mother, wife, sister, child of God in general.  Share those things with others so we can relate to one another and bring each other up.  We can't do it alone.

In my house me use a consequence jar.  All we did was take pieces of paper and write chores on them.  Things like:
"Vacuum the refrigerator coils"  NOTE this is very important.
"Dust the livingroom"
"Vacuum the living room"
"Clean up dog poop from backyard"
I also put in a Mercy card that says "God gives us mercy and you have been granted mercy"
There is probably 15 cards in there.  I tell my children when they are misbehaving to pull a consequence and then they have to complete that in addition to their normal chores. Contact me if you want more information.

Tell me about your mommy or daddy "failures" let's discuss.

The love story of Katie and Joe...Part two

Joe and Katie July 14, 2001

So the story I posted yesterday was an entry for a love story contest and was definitely the sunshine and rainbows version of our story.  I try to be very honest with my readers and as PG as possible because I know my daughters and other children read this.  Now it's time to tell you the real story and some of the struggles Joe and I had in our first year together.

The story began exactly as I wrote about it and posted yesterday.  If you missed it click here to get up to speed. I got the courage to ask Joe out after we had been flirting with each other for three weeks.  I knew he had a son and was probably a little gun shy to start another relationship because of the stigma associated with a single dad, especially a dad with a baby so young (5 months old).

After that first date Joe and I got pretty serious, pretty fast.  We spent as much time together as we possibly could.  We officially started dating exclusively on February 7, 1999 a week later on Valentine's Day Joe gave me a beautiful heart necklace.  I was floored because my boyfriend before Joe insisted on going dutch and never bought me jewelry or sentimental gifts such as that. Though I knew I fell in love with him at first sight, we didn't say the words to each other until a month into the relationship which is when we started having sleepovers at room I was renting at my high school friends house.  You see my mom and dad didn't approve of Joe.  I was raised in a fairly strict Christian family and having a child outside of wedlock was viewed as a sin.  My parents were also concerned with Joe's age, 22 to my 20, meaning he could legally drink alcohol and I couldn't.  Since I still lived with my parents they made it difficult for me to see him, so I moved out so I could be with Joe.

The relationship progressed, I was introduced to Joe's parents and I was even introduced to Joe's son, Kyran, when Joe's parent's brought him in to visit Joe at work.  Things seemed to be going on the right track, until Joe stopped calling, stopped returning my calls, when I finally would get a hold of him he told me his cell phone didn't show a missed call or a voicemail.  After awhile, I got tired of being avoided and left him a message that we were through.  In May of that year, I moved out of my friend's house and back in with my parent's.   Joe and I saw each other on and off through out the course of that summer it was hard for me because I loved him so much, but I knew they way he was treating me wasn't right.  Finally in August of 1999 it seemed Joe had gotten his act together and was again committed to me.  My parents were still singing the same song about Joe stating "I'm not sure what it is about that boy, but he's not for you" I understand where they were coming from...now, Joe was unlike anyone I had ever dated before.

In September I decided to move in with my friend Wendy and her boyfriend Jason.  As I was making the plans to move with them Joe, again, went AWAL.  Joe had told me to call him that night and we would get hang out.  I called and left a message waiting for him to get off work.  I didn't work at the salon, KJ & Kompany anymore and was working at an office doing filing.  Having played this game before I had a feeling Joe was at Diamond Dave's, the restaurant/bar where Joe and I had our first date and continued to hang out at as our relationship progressed.  I decided to drive out there to see, as I pulled up I saw Joe outside.  He didn't see my car pull up so I pulled out my cell phone to call him.  He picked up right away.
"Hey how's it going?" Joe said
"Good, I thought we were going to hang out tonight" I said
"Oh, gosh, yeah I'm sorry we had to do inventory and I got stuck at work"
I blew up.  You see Joe had just lied to me, the mall locked the doors after 9:00 and the only door you could get in or out of after 9:00 was Diamond Dave's.  He was avoiding me...again.  I walked up to Joe and confronted him on is lie.  The conversation got ugly, there were tears shed...by me.  Finally Joe said
"I can't be in a relationship right now, I can't commit myself to anyone right now"
It was over, through all the ups and downs it was over.
Wendy and I went out for kareoke one night and I met this guy from Alabama, as I sit her writing this, I can see his face and remember his accent but I can't remember his name, let's call him Brad.  Brad and I began seeing each other that night and continued to see each other.  One day as I sat at my desk preparing to file away some paperwork I was called to the front desk.  I had gotten flowers!  Oh my gosh I bet they were from Brad, what a sweet guy.  I opened the card and saw in Joe's handwriting "I miss you.  Please call me"  I ran to the bathroom and cried.  I didn't know what to do.  This man, two weeks prior, broke my already damaged heart and told me he couldn't commit to me now he missed me.

I went back to my desk and called Joe.  He answered right away and invited me to go down to Dysart, Iowa (30 minutes south of Waterloo, Iowa where Joe and I worked) with him to pick up Kyran for his visitation.  I agreed.  That night we drove in silence for what seemed like forever, when Joe finally started talking he said
"I have missed you."
"I've missed you too" I replied. "You hurt me"
"I know, I'm sorry."
"Have you changed your mind?  Are we going to give this another try" I asked
"I want to be with you, but I don't want to be in a long term commitment"
I was floored, I couldn't believe I could be so stupid.  Here he was playing with my heart again.  I tried to be strong, but fell for his charms again and ended up having a sleepover with him the next weekend.  Meanwhile, I had left Brad in the dust to follow after Joe, we left me in the dust...again two weeks later. I had screwed up.  When I called Brad he was angry because he had heard I went back with Joe and he severed ties with me.  I was alone....again.

In mid-September I was trying to move on and forget all about Joe, swearing off men for awhile.  One afternoon, I got into a fight with my roommates and left the house to stay with my parents.  I was so upset over the altercation, I called the one person who always made me feel better.  Joe.

Joe came to the rescue, telling me to move out of that house and back in with my parents.  Joe told me he couldn't stand that I was in that situation and he wasn't there for me.  Joe was down in Cedar Rapids, Iowa (an hour away) for training, he promised he would be home the next day and would come to see me.  My dad and I moved me out of Wendy and Jason's place that night and I never looked back.

Joe came to see me, like he promised, that next day.  I knew at that moment, something had changed with him.  Joe and I eased back into our relationship and when my grandfather's health started to fail, Joe was there with me.  In October of 1999 when my grandfather died, Joe was there to hold me while I cried and attend the visitation and funeral with me.  Joe had definitely changed.

From that moment on we were serious.  We moved in together that December of 1999 against my parent's wishes.  Ironically Joe's dad, Jim, showed up at my parent's house with a trailer to help move me out of my parents' house and in with Joe and his older brother, Matt.

On January 30th 2000 one year to the day that I mustered up the courage to ask him out, Joe invited me to Diamond Dave's and proposed.  Of course I said yes.  We got married in 2001 and had Anna the next year.  Our life since hasn't been without problems but we have been committed to each other.  I often tease Joe that he was a bit of a bonehead (hey I'm keeping it PG here) for the first nine months of our relationship until he pulled his head out of his butt and realized I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Joe was dealing with some massive wounds after his break up with Kyran's mom. We both had major trust issues and Joe wanted to be with me but was afraid I would hurt him so he hurt me before I could hurt him.

I believe that God wanted us to be together.  He didn't say it was going to be easy but love never is.  Even our children are difficult to love at times.

So tell me, what are some of the ups and downs of your relationship, was it all sunshine and roses or was there a little drama along the way?